I think I died a long time ago.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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