that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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