i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
