I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
