i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
