I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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