i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
