So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
