They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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