if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
