You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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