I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
