Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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