; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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