Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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