batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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