My sheets look like a crime scene.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
