I'm so fucking centered right now
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
