Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
