I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
