new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
