I puked a lego.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
