it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
