woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
