I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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