I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so let's talk penis.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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