I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
