Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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