The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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