He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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