I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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