Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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