we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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