Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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