When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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