who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
And then he peed in my hair
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