she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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