we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
