i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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