upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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