eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
