he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
