You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
