He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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