i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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