i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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