Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
