Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(956): View more from Texas

I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward

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(214): View more from Texas

I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process

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(219): View more from Indiana

I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.

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(425): View more from Washington

That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick

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(585): View more from New York

When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room

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