Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
