you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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